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American Wineries » Wine News
Rack & Riddle Sparkling New Year's (4)

The Wineminster Snob Show

Happy New Year! Drink wine, and forget all the horrible things that happened in 2012!

After the poodle incident, the women of Sacerly Court were banned from the local, regional, state, national, and international level dog shows. Most crushingly, they’d been banned from the prestigious New Year’s Dog Day Afternoon, the biggest show of 2013 except for that froofy one. But that didn’t make them any less competitive. Sure, they couldn’t do dog shows anymore; but they’d found a new way of passive aggressively showing each other up. Once a month, they’d gather.

This time, Mrs. Crabpot went first. “Today I brought my sweetest little Pookums,” she began, reaching into her purse and withdrawing a NV North Coast Blanc de Blancs, “Pookums won a silver medal at the San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition, didn’t you Pookums? With Pookums’ Cute little green apple aroma and flavors? Yes you did! Yes you did!” Her voice reached an insufferably high pitch as she nuzzled the bottle.

Mrs. Velasquez was next. From her Prada Pet Bag™, she revealed her NV North Coast Brut. “Precious here didn’t win any fancy silver medals in the San Francisco Chronicle, but his adorable citrus and pear aromas and his wuvable hint of yeast got him the Double Gold. Who’s Mama’s Precious little Double Gold Medalist? You is. You iz!”

With two of the women now cooing incoherently to their bottles, Mrs. Bigelow James Kirkpatrick took her turn. ”Well, my sweet baby NV North Coast Sparkling Rose ALSO got an adorable little Silver Medal, thanks to his ripe strawberry flavor and his cutest little hint of cream and spice. Sure, it isn’t a Double Gold, but momma loves you anyways, Sparky!” Under her breath, she added, “But she’d love you even more if you’d gotten the Double Gold over that insufferable Velasquez mutt.”

That left only Mrs. Outtafunnynames, wife of famed Swedish industrialist Dedhors Outtafunnynames. “This is my darling Shnookums, who also won the Double Gold in the San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition. But my angel’s lingering finish also won him the Gold Medal and Best Of Class in the Los Angeles International Wine Competition, which is why Mama loves him so. Yes she does!”

And so, four horrible bored old rich ladies rang in the New Year cooing and jabbering at bottles of delicious wine they’d basically adopted after PETA took their awful little yippy dogs away.

Tags: gold, medal, double, pookums